What the?
by AnnaDruvez
Summary: A normal girl moves in next door to our favorite Merc with a Mouth and he gets a bit attached. Spider-Man has a cameo and Doc Ock throws a fit for no apparent reason. Rated for LANGUAGE and mildly described/implied gore. Seriously, you are warned about the language. F-bombs and such. Strangely smut free. I'm not really sure what I wrote here, but it just kinda... appeared.
_AN:_

 _I think I've done the impossible. A Deadpool fanfic without actual smut. There's a lot of cursing and some mild and/or implied gore, though. Consider this fair warning._

 _Disclaimer:_

 _Seriously. If you think I own Marvel... I was NOT BORN when the writers started writing this universe. Would I like to write this for real? Sure. Is it going to happen? Pigs. Flying. Without Loki's help._

* * *

 **What the...?**

Okay, so he wasn't the sanest person in any universe. {No kidding.} Or the most morally pure. [Nah. Really?] Or pure at all. {Getting closer.} And he'd never really bothered worried about collateral damage. [Good times.] Still, there were some things you didn't do. Messing with kids was one of them.

Okay, so the ass-hat with the weird mechanical arms and bowl-cut hair hadn't deliberately hurt a kid. It was still fucking wrong, in Deadpool's opinion, to sling a pickup truck into anything approaching the general vicinity of a pregnant woman. Add in that the pregnant woman happened to live down the hall from him and was his friend... it was like the fucker was just trying to piss the merc off. Asya was a sweetheart and did NOT deserve to lose her kid because of the super-villain temper tantrum of the week.

The truck hadn't hit her, but it had been close.

* * *

 _He'd opened the door to see curves: nice ones, not that anorexic popular bullshit. The woman standing there was just over one and a half meters tall and had to weigh in at a little under 100 kilos. Bright dove-gray eyes smiled at him over naturally dark lips. A strand of deep brown – almost black – hair had escaped the band she'd used to tie it back, curling around her neck and down to her nicely rounded chest._

" _Hi. I'm your new neighbor? Anastasia Simmons." She rubbed her hands together nervously and bit her lower lip. Even Yellow had to admit she was downright cute. "Anyway, I'm just saying hello and letting you know that I do clothing repair and seamstress work, if you need it."_

 _Wade blinked. {Seriously? Who the fucking hell let a girl that acts this... sweet live in this shithole?} [A goddamn moron.] {Sounds about right.}_

 _That was when he realized that he didn't have his mask on and his face was clearly visible... But, she'd not run._

* * *

He grunted as he impacted the building. Seconds later, there was the cracking noise of his ribs forcing themselves back into place. [Okay, so the dick with the arms is a bit more of a problem than we thought, using those tentacles to stop bullets... Grenades?] {Asya'd get pissed if we broke out the grenades. How many times has she bitched about heroes and property damage?} _Fine._ He pulled his katanas and headed back into the fight. {This is gonna hurt!}

* * *

 _The first time she saw him in costume, had been a few months after they'd first met. She'd let herself into his place to drop off the latest batch of work she'd completed for him. He'd been climbing back in the window, one hand holding his intestines in and the other smearing blood on the sill. He'd spotted her and frozen, cursing the impulse that had given her a key – it was just so much easier when she could leave his stuff on the couch. She'd frozen as well, seeing more blood than she had probably ever seen._

 _She swallowed and placed the pile of clothing on the nearest flat surface. "Do you want me to get my sewing kit?"_

" _It'll heal in no time." He took in her wide eyes and the concern – concern! – radiating from her. "I could use a hand cleaning up, though?"_

 _She looked at him, eyed the mess that could be loosely called his living conditions, and burst into near-hysterical laughter. "Nothing new, but sure. Why not?"_

 _She approached him slowly, as if she was inching closer to a wounded animal, before taking his free arm and looping it over her shoulders. "Let's get you cleaned up first, though."_

* * *

There was a flash of red and blue on his left as Spider-Man finally showed. "Where've you been? Getting a manicure?"

"Traffic was a pain!" The acrobatic hero bounced off one building, ricocheted off a second and kicked the villain right in the bowl-cut. Didn't put him down, but it gave Deadpool a chance to slice into an arm. Or, rather, to break a katana on an arm. "Why are you here?"

"Walking down the street and the bastard threw a truck at me!" {Good, don't tell him about Asya.} [It might be fun. We'd get to kill anyone that hurt her to get to us.] {Yeah, but she'd get hurt.} Losing patience, he shoved a grenade into the open maw of one of the arms. {It really does look kinda like a mouth.} "I just wanted a taco – or ten!"

He jumped back and watched as the explosion damaged, but did not destroy the arm.

* * *

 _After she'd cleaned him and the apartment up, they'd sat for hours talking. She had actually settled next to him on the stained sofa without any evidence of disgust. Though, he supposed, it was hard to be disgusted by ratty furniture after being elbow deep in a friend's blood. Who'd have thought he'd have a friend?_

 _Of course, when he found out that her only family was in a nursing home? And that her more affluent friends had abandoned her because she couldn't afford to keep up with them and pay for her mother's care? Well, he'd been very tempted to go do some pro bono work. She'd managed to talk him down, barely, by pointing out that she had the right to do the deed if anyone did. He laughed when she stuck her nose in the air and declared she was saving it for a special occasion._

 _He'd insisted she add him in as her ICE contact on her cell, since she didn't have anyone else. It was the neighborly thing... right?_

* * *

"What the hell are those things made of?" Deadpool ducked under another tentacle that was hoping to decapitate him.

"I think they were titanium? Looks like he got an upgrade." Spider-Man snagged him with a line and then yanked him up to the top of a nearby building. "Ideas?"

* * *

 _It was two in the morning when his cell went off. He hadn't seen Asya that day, but that was okay. She'd said she was going to the tree lighting at Rockefeller Center. She'd asked him if he wanted to go her, but he'd wanted to avoid the crowd._

 _The churning feeling in his gut told him that he'd be playing Russian Roulette later. Now, though, he sat in the hospital and listened to the doctors tell him all about how she'd been beaten and gang-raped on her way home. It only took the police hours to find her in the alley they'd dumped her in._

 _She'd asked him to go..._

 _Most days, he liked phrases like 'concussion,' 'blood loss,' and 'shattered femur.' He was quickly discovering that they didn't cause quite the same delicious excitement when associated with her. That shouldn't be a shock, he supposed. She was the first person he'd met since his new face that actually liked him for who he was instead of what he could do._

 _She'd asked him to go..._

* * *

"Yeah. I've got an idea." Deadpool jumped from the building, barely noticing the fractures in his bones when he hit the street. They almost instantly repaired themselves, anyway. He grabbed a random trash can lid and threw it at he idiot. Once he had his attention, he did what he did best – annoy the crap out of him. "So, these tentacles and that hair? You auditioning for bad porn? Or were you feeling a little inferior next to... everyone? Cause I gotta say – you sure look tiny."

* * *

 _They were sitting, once again, on his sofa. Asya, her broken leg propped up, was sipping a clean glass of water – hey, he'd washed it and everything – and trembling. Not enough that he felt compelled to hug her or something, but enough that he knew that she wasn't all right. "So, yeah. Apparently they knocked me up instead of just knocking me around."  
_

" _That sucks." [Must. Kill.] {No arguments. Just gotta find them.} He ran a hand over his scalp. "What are you... how are... are you gonna...?"_

 _She gave a mirthless little laugh and set the glass on the floor before she dropped it. "Yeah, I'm going to keep it. I mean, it's not like I've got people lining up to marry me or anything. And I can't afford to go to a sperm bank. So, if I want one, this seems to be my chance, right?"_

" _People are fucking idiots." {We could marry her.}_ _[Yeah, like that would happen. Just cause she can stand to look at you, doesn't mean she wants to wake up to that face.] "You're..."_

 _"Overweight, soft... my mother used to say I should have been born a hundred years ago. I'm too built for how things used to be. Now... I was mildly agoraphobic. These days, I'm lucky I can look out a window." She buried her head in her hands. "God, what was I thinking? I should have..."_

 _He gave into the urge to wrap an arm around her, expecting her to cringe away and pleasantly surprised when she didn't. {She trusts us.} [She doesn't see us as male. We've been Friend-zoned.] "Nothing. You should have done nothing. No decisions until you're sure what you want."_

" _Can I... what if I want to stay right here for a bit?" She pressed herself into his chest, seeking comfort and safety. He was itching to get back to tracking those bastards down, but this was... He rested his cheek on her hair._

" _As long as you want."_

* * *

The run to the nearest junkyard would have been a lot easier if he wasn't being chased by the Tentacle Man. {Otto Octavius. Weren't you listening?} [Do we care?] _Not really._

As it was, he was having to dodge their hits and, when he didn't duck fast enough, deal with being smacked into buildings. Fortunately, Spidey seemed to have figured out his idea, as he saw the hero swoop past and could now hear machinery starting in the lot. Now, if he could just get him there without being far too close to the hentai fucker...

* * *

" _Wade?"_

" _Yeah?"_

" _Why is the newspaper showing my rapists scattered across Central Park?"_

" _It seemed like a good idea at the time?"_

" _If you're going to deal with trash, at least don't litter."_

" _I know you didn't ask me to, but..."_

" _Thank you."_

" _Oh... You're welcome? You're not mad?"_

" _Only that the coroner apparently can't tell if they were castrated before or after?"_

" _Before. Explosively."_

" _Good. "_

* * *

So, flying over the fence due to tentacle impact was almost as good a way to get there as any other. [At least Octopussy followed us in.] {At least you're not using a good Bond as an insult.}

The magnetic crane was behind him and he could see Spidey in the cab, so he ran backwards, kiting the Tentacular Terror back towards the appropriate area. He kept his mouth running, anything and everything spewing out to enrage the guy. {Transexual tenrec?} [Hey, it's got spines. They're kinda like tentacles...] {I think he's more pissed off that he doesn't know the word.} [Isn't he a scientist? Shouldn't he know it's basically an African hedgehog?] {Meh, scientists are weird.}[You'd think he'd at least watch Discovery.]

Finally, the magnet flipped on and Octavius was contained. Wade really wanted to fall to the ground and pant for a bit. Still, he wouldn't. Not with Spidey there. And, not when he really needed to go make sure Asya was okay.

{You know, with your dresses... wasn't the whole trans thing a bit hypocritical?} [White has a point.] _Doesn't matter if I consider it an insult. Matters if he does._ {Ah. Of course.} [We gonna kill him?]

He looked at Spidey, looked at the hanging idiot, and walked away. _Need to check on Asya. He escapes and we'll deal with it._ [Here's hoping!]

* * *

 _Ultrasounds, late night runs to grab food (he couldn't blame her for not wanting to go, and her cravings were terrible), nausea, assembling a crib... He was starting to feel like the kid was not just hers, but theirs. A dangerous thing._

 _Still, as he tightened the last bolt, he looked up to where she was sorting small clothing and smiled. It might just be a dream, but she was there. She wasn't running away. She didn't demand anything of him – not even money. She stared down anyone that commented on his skin or his tendency to hold conversations with people that weren't there. She was a romantic, loyal, and had her idealistic moments... But, she was somehow strangely pragmatic at times._

 _He could enjoy this dream while it lasted._

* * *

He jogged down the street and spotted her leaning against the wall of the convenience store. She was a bit grimy and looked like she might be mildly shocked, but was otherwise fine. At least, if his cursory inspection was anything to go by. "You okay?"

He dropped next to her and lifted an arm. She cuddled into him without hesitation, surprising him a little bit. To be honest, it always amazed him when she didn't flinch or cringe from him. "I'll be fine. A bit twitchy, maybe, but fine."

"Good."

* * *

"Asya?" He lay next to her on the bed, fully clothed and staring at the mural they'd just finished painting on the ceiling. [It really is impressive, a piece of PVC and a brush and you can lie on the floor and paint...] {I like that the stars will glow in the dark.}

"Yes, Wade?" Her paint spattered hand found his. He turned his head to look at her. Without really thinking about it, he lifted up on one elbow to lean over and kiss her. When he pulled away, she looked so peaceful with her soft smile and her closed eyes, flecks of paint dotting her smooth skin. After a second, they fluttered open and she raised one eyebrow.

"Marry me."

"Really?" Her eyes widened, but the smile didn't disappear.

"Really." Her arms wrapped around him and she pulled him down into another kiss. When they broke apart, one of her hands had settled on his waist and the other was resting on his jaw with her thumb lightly brushing his cheekbone.

"Yes."

* * *

 _So. I still can't look at Sephiroth Potter without crying. Mom's been dead for what seems like forever and I feel like a total wimp. Still, what can you do?_

 _Instead, please accept this.. odd offering. I will get back to it. Just... give me time._

 _This is posted on FFN, AO3, aaaaaand... my brand new Tumblr. Yes, I know. Social media is corrupting me._

 _The spouse has informed me that there is a parody comic series called "What The" or that there was in the 90s. Having never read it, this has little if anything to do with it. Anything that it does, is not deliberate._


End file.
